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Toy Story 2 (EWW Video)
The EWW episode of the 1999 movie Toy Story 2. Transcript # (The Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar logos are shown) 45 seconds of logos...again. # Awesome! Did Disney buy DC as well? Is this Superman!? # Even though this movie is great, like, a solid A, that doesn't change the fact that it's the third-best Toy Story film. # Super short fluff sequel finds time for over three goddamn minutes of imaginary Buzz Lightyear video-game adventure bulls*it. #(Buzz Lightyear is breathing like Darth Vader) Seriously? Buzz breathes like a Discount Darth Vader? And HE'S white too!? #(when Buzz was getting the (holographic) battery before encountering Zurg) I know Gary Rydstrom is a big part of the sound of this movie—but damn, dude...how many times you gonna go to that Star Wars well? #(Woody can't find his hat) Woody has lost his hat. Has anyone checked with that f*cking prankster shark? #(Bo Peep tells Woody about Andy taking him to camp without his hat) Does he have ANY reason to think he can't go to camp without the hat?! 'Cause if not... Woody needs a psychiatrist more than he needs Andy. #(when Slink gave Woody his hat back) So wait...did Slink steal the hat back from the dog and then manage to OUTRUN said dog? Because you know Slink is a Slinky with very poor motor skills, right? #(Woody pets the dog before Andy comes into the room) I see the humans in this house continue to give the toys extremely helpful warnings before anyone walks into a room and has their world changed forever. #(Andy is told he only has five minutes for play time) It would take fifteen minutes BARE MINIMUM to set up all these army men. That's probably the joke they're making but f*ck it—5 minutes is 5 minutes. #(Andy inadvertently rips Woody's arm) Somehow this hasn't happened before now. #Also, a small tear will somehow mean Andy can't take this toy he's been taking to cowboy camp for YEARS to cowboy camp. #(about the various board games on the shelf) Candyland. Mouse Trap. Twister. Guess Who. Life. Where's the f*cking Chutes N Ladders, assholes?! #Andy's mom has had some work done, no? She looks NOTHING like she did in the last movie is what I'm saying. #You know, I feel like Andy continued his love of Woody simply because the first movie demanded a happy ending. This kid would have moved on from Woody two weeks after they moved in the new house, if that. #Woody drops his dead arm, but then also has a perfect view of Andy getting into the—GAH!! Super Nintendo!!! . Let's play Bomberman RIGHT F*CKING NOW!! #You know, if you're going to make a joke about "Cousin A.J. Joe Jimbob" writing a book about the "Real Real Big Trucks," you might want to make that thing 300 pages lighter. You know what I mean, Vern? #Nearly every board game in this stack is also a movie with the same name. That "Guess Who?" movie really went off the rails when it came to adapting the source material. #I sinned a whole bunch of stuff and the whole thing turned out to be a dream sequence. BUT, the movie is a dickhead for spending its first 12 minutes on video game footage and dream sequences!! #Also, even toys have disturbing dream sequences. #(Woody woke up from his disturbing nightmare) Now what if this happened while Andy was in the room? #(Wheezy tells Woody why is on the shelf with him) Yeah, but... you guys are living toys, right? Why have you never made your presence known since you were put on the shelf? Does "the shelf" have some sort of magical properties we aren't aware of? #(Wheezy says, "No one can hear me.") Yeah, your squeaker is broken but not your voice! #All the toys freak out about a Yard Sale sign the mom is hammering in the front lawn. But I'm much more concerned about a mother who opens a Yard Sale on her property without so much as a HINT about which toys her son is willing to part with. #And while I'm at it...how convenient is it that Andy's NOT home right now?! #(Woody tells Buster the dog to take him to the yard sale, which he does) What? The dog understands English? Or... you taught it the command for "to the yard sale?" I mean, I can suspend my disbelief with the best of them, but... you're stretching it here, man. #(Buster arrives at the yard sale, while Woody tries to hide behind him) These toys move in the presence of humans so damn often it's a wonder they ever even try to pretend they're non-animated toys!! #(Woody tells Buster to go back to Andy's room after getting Wheezy) After all that trouble hiding, Woody will now ride the back of the dog in full view of anyone who cares to look up. #Super well-trained toy-friendly dog is utterly when his best-toy-friend falls of in the front yard. Because. . . the script called for conflict! #Perhaps the least believable thing about any of the Toy Story movies is that Al from Al's Toy Barn would be lurking at this exact yard sale at THIS EXACT temporary moment when woody finds himself trapped, AND that Woody falling on a table would accidentally trigger his voice-prompt, which is the only reason Al found out he was here—I mean, GODDAMN! #(Buzz sees Al stealing Woody) Al, who is a known local celebrity featured in tons of commercials, thinks he can steal Woody no problem, right after being a pushy bastard about buying him. And don't give me that "he dresses like a chicken" stuff either, because his face is clearly visible. #Buzz's hand somehow punches this truck open, which I'd normally sin—but I'm going to take the sin back for all the detail the animators put in to show scratches all around its keyhole, a nice touch indeed. (One sin removed) #(Bo Peep says he didn't have a long beard) Did you guys see this dude or NOT?! How does a ZZ-Top beard EVER become of the equation?! #(Slink says Al was bigger and Hamm says "Picky, Picky, Picky") Slink would be amazing at Cinema Sins but Hamm would be amazing at being our critics. #(When Al complains that he has to go all the way to work while in his chicken costume) This asshole dresses in his chicken costume BEFORE driving to the commercial shoot. #If Al comes bursting in the room right now, These living are all busted as hell. There no way they can all get back into place in time---not to mention how many Styrofoam they've strewn around the room at this point! The "toys play dead when humans are around' thing really loses its luster when you just script the humans out of the way whenever you need it. #(Jessie introduces Woody to the Prospector) Do you get the sense that Joan Cusack signed up for this role because she thought it was to sequel to Toys? Oh wait, nobody would do that. Stupid question. #(the Prospector says that Woody has returned) You know he's evil because the voice is Sideshow Bob. #(Woody sees magazines of him on the floor) Ha ha ha ha ha, what the hell?! Why does collector Al dude have priceless Woody magazines strewn across the floor?!?! Answer: He doesn't... It just made a cool shot, so they did it. #Every single one of these tapes is episodes 4-6. #(Jessie, Woody, and Bullseye and are watching Woody's Roundup) They've been sitting here dumbfounded watching TV for HOURS... and even if Al somehow ended up doing 100 takes of his chicken-suit commercials across the street, there's no way these f*ckers knew that was happening, so they should be caught dead to rights as living toys by all measure of logic and sanity. They are, at the very least, some of the stupidest toys to ever forget to pretend not to be alive. #(Woody stops running on the record player, creating a record scratch) Annnd now you learn the movie set this whole record player thing up just for a cheap record-scratch at the sound of something shocking. #(Al comes and Stinky Pete tells Jessie to go into the box) Yes, go. . . and somehow clean up all those Styrofoam peanuts on the floor, and put away the video tapes, and turn off the TV, and. . . Jesus, this is hopeless, isn't it?! #(Buzz is beginning to make a inspiring like speech) Unnecessary patriotism. #(The old-time like TV sign-off) What?! Bulls*it. TV channels haven't been signing off this way since DECADES before this f*cking movie takes place. But, whatever makes parental nostalgia bell go ring-a-ding-ding, right?! #I see that cheese all over his fingers, but. . . how did it get there? The bowl is COMPLETELY full!! He fell asleep before he had time to eat ANY of it! #(Woody accidentally steps on a cheese puff) How blind is Woody to have not see ANY of this s*it prior to stepping on the first cheese puff?! #(Woody sees Bullseye stepping on a cheese puff) Just like in real life... horses are so worried about being helpful they don't realize how much noise they're making... wait— #Well, lucky Bullseye decided to wake up and join Woody then because i don't think he could have climbed to couch without him. #Let's just say Al wakes up now by chance. . . is there some king of Toy Court where Woody would face charges of failing to pretend not be alive?! #Bullseye ignores HUNDRED of actual cheese puffs in order to lick the dust off the fingers of a dude I'm pretty sure did eat any himself. #(When Al burps in Woody's face and he reacts disgusted) Yep. Toys can smell. Who knew?! #(After Al wakes up and yells "NO OFFICER I SWEAR!!!) Somehow, Pixar thought THIS would be hilarious dialogue for a suddenly-awoken creepy guy to say. No idea where they were going with that, but. . . it's creepy as hell. #Super-serious toy collector dude pays no heed to his cheesy fingers while picking up a priceless toy. #(When Jessie is mad that Woody thinks she turn on the TV) Woody accuses Jessie of turning on the TV when he had tried to take back his arm, but somehow SHE see Stinky Pete do it. #Why are there SPIKES on the road when there is no boom barrier blocking it. #(the toys cause a car crash) Massive miracle. #Also, apparently no one notices these cones moving by themselves. #Road that was pretty much abandoned a minute ago will decide to be the hardest level of Frogger ever so the hero's will have a challenge. #Also, I'm pretty sure these toys caused a 14 car accident where many, many people were killed. . .we just didn't see it because the movie is rated G. #This pipe fell off a truck that had to halt all sorts of momentum to stop, and yet it rolls like a gang of nerdy guys are pushing it uphill. #Toy fixer dude turns out to be the old man from the Pixar chess short, which, I suppose, thrills me to the end, right? #(the old man says "You can't rush art.") You hear that, Marvel? #Why is the automatic door open and working but the "Closed" sign is still in the window? Someone didn't do their job all the way. #These toys ALL just saw a human worker come in here, but now they're spreading out and just openly wandering around shouting "Woody" as though humans could be nearby. #While i admit it would be weird to see an aisle full of other-yous, Buzz already experienced the whole "I'm not unique and I'm a toy" thing LAST MOVIE. #Overstock. #This raises another philosophical question, though. At what point do toys in this universe become self-aware? #(Rex talks about the Zurg magazine and Mr. Potato Head takes off his ears in annoyance) Wait until you get to the era of DLC and in-game purchases, T-Rex... you've got it good right now, trust me. #This thing has working gas and brake pedals?! Get the f*ck out of here, movie. #These guys are in a car driving around a toy store where there are no helpful warnings from Andy's mom that someone about to come into the room. #Movies thinks that if it swaps in a 2nd Buzz in place of Woody that I'll overlook the fact that it's repeating an entire scene from the first movie. You know how the rest of this at this point, right? Movie is WRONG! #These Barbies know how to PARTY. One question, though, why didn't they let any of the Ken dolls join the bash? They'd be in the same aisle, right? #Also, no other toy sold in this store is stupid enough to be awake at this point, but all the Barbie stuff is having a pool party right now? What do toys do in the age of security cameras, by the way? #I feel sad for this Barbie because she is cooking a steak that will never get cooked enough. #(Rex is seen running to the car in the view of the mirror like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. 2 sins removed) #(the Barbie is talking about people not getting enough demands) Disney complaining about not getting enough money. #Also, I guess they more than made up for it by overbuying on the next go round. See how that works? Tiny Tim can still get his operation, after all. #(Buzz, imprisoned in a box, says a big "NO!") No. #If this guy was the true collector he's been made out to be, he'd know better than to put his greasy fingers all over the priceless toy just to take an obscene number of posed photos in order to then SELL said priceless toys. Oils, Dust, Potential damage... this guy is ignoring ALL the obsessive-collector basics!! #(When Al says it's like printing his own money) what serious toy collector or serious eBay seller would take and use Polaroids of the merchandise?! Sure, it looks better for this shot to have him holding physical pics, but it's dumb as hell. #(Al plans to fax the pictures to the buyer) AND he's going to FAX them to the buyer. Take too many pictures, use Polaroid instant film, and then FAX results. This guy has never sold a high-value item in his life. #("When Somebody Loved Me" starts playing) Damn. This scene's going to appeal to my soft side and make me remove sins, isn't it? (two sins removed) #Every one of these transitions suggest this girl outgrew her love of horses for stuff like makeup and music...but what's going to outgrow her love of being a stereotype? #Huh. This suggest that Emily grew up during the '60s and '70s, what with the record player and the posters. But she has a poster for a concert at Pixar Studio for The Lemurs on November 25, 1999, the day after the release of this movie. Something's fishy about that, I don't know what. #Man, this donation center is out in the middle of f*cking nowhere! #Buzz just managed to escape at the perfect time AND sees Rex's tail hanging out of this bag so he knows where to get next. #Buzz somehow knew these particular toys in this order would lead him flying toward the door. #Zurg toy just happened to be mixed in with the bargain bin... I guess because no one likes to buy the Buzz Lightyear villain? But no one wants to buy Buzz Lightyear, either, according to the shelves in this place. #Impostor Buzz is able to pull this vent out. #(Hamm is talking about how different Buzz is now) These idiots still haven't figures out they've got the wrong Buzz. #Elevator Ex Machina. Actually, Buzz then decides NOT to use the elevator, but then...yeah, Elevator Ex Machina. #Hello, that looks like a thing I can't see since my eyes are covered! #Wait a minute... are you saying Mr. Potato Head's eye works even when it's NOT ATTACHED to him? This guy was "blind" in the last movie when they knocked out his eyes, so you're filthy cheaters, Pixar. #(Buzz tells Woody, "You are a TOY!!") Symmetry. #(Woody is watching himself sing "You've Got a Friend In Me") Retro version of Randy Newman song from the first movie gives Woody the idea he needs to advance the plot. #I thought the guy did a really professional job fixing Woody but apparently he can just scrape the paint off with a couple of swipes. #Right. No one heard or saw him exit the box and walk over and do this. Totally. #Also, Stinky Pete tightens the screws on this vent, the only method Andy had for escape, but didn't do this earlier when he knew everyone was asleep. #Buzz and gang react to Zurg before Zurg is even visible. #Zurg took his sweet-ass time finding Buzz, didn't he? Although, maybe he had complications involving getting to this floor--- but I'm STILL sinning because of this perfect timing! #This should mean Mr. Potato Head lost all of his body parts to the elevator shaft, but nope. . . it doesn't. #(When Zurg and Imposter Buzz and saying the same lines in Star Wars Episode V) Parody no. #Also, this line of toys is a serious ripoff of Star Wars, from the story to their sound effects. #(When Slink is try to sneak past Al) I know this is just another Newman/Dennis Nedry character that Wayne Knight is playing here, and he's evil and dumb. . . but can he seriously not hear the slinky behind him? #(When Rex says he finally defeated Zurg) Rex thinks pushing the toy Zurg off an elevator is the same as defeating him in the video game. And as a guy who actually killed a number of Mother Brains in real life, I can tell you that my inability to beat then in video games left my frustration intact. #My. Potato Hat somehow stops these heavy double doors from closing, which is some bulls*it. #(When Mr. Potato Head says "Pizza Anyone?") Pizza Truck From The First movie Ex Machina. #(After the three Aliens are seen) I didn't realize until re-watching this how much lip service this movie pays for the first one. #I guess i should be glad that these toys are somehow finding a way to drive this car, but this really goes against all the rules and general stuff they needed to worry about in the first movie. And plus, its toys driving a car somehow. Coordination between all these idiots toys on their first time driving makes me kinda angry. . .Drive Angry. #(When Buzz finds Al) How did Al park his car and get to check-in so fast? #HOW are Buzz's feet protruding THROUGH this pet carrier's floor in order to propel it along the carpet?!?! #(While Slink scares away the little girl with his barking) This works. #It's not a Pixar movie unless there's a giant factory or maze of conveyor belts to navigate. #Pixar goes for that "classic" Butte joke, which is something Beavis & Butt-Head Do America did two years earlier, and everyone did whenever Butte, Montana was founded. #(After Prospector rips the shoulder of Woody) It's amazing what transpires to make Woody look exactly the same when he finally gets back into the arms of Andy. #Toy Story 2 steals the flashing cameras "weapon" from Rear Window and that Itchy & Scratchy Land episode of The Simpsons. #Toy horse with no real hooves will catch up to this gas-powered vehicle. #American Airlines. #Wow. That toy horse was running at the same speed as an about-to-take-off jumbo jet. I'm not even mad. That's. . . amazing. #These toys put great faith in the fact that Andy's mom won't find it weird when Andy mentions this to her. #(When Andy is excited about the new toys) Yeah, a horsey and girly doll! What's not to love when you like exclusively dude toys and only use Bo Peep when you need a female for Woody to save? #(While Al is in his chicken suit depressed in a commercial) It's good that Al approved an ad where he was so sad that we could see the results of his comeuppance. #(After Wheezy says he got a new squeaker from a box) which means there's another toy with its squeaker completely ripped out! Either that or this toy comes with a "spare squeaker" of some sort, which I'm not buying for a minute. #When did all these Barbies make it into the household? Andy's little sister is like, 2 years old---she's not playing with multiple Barbie's yet, is she? #(While the outtakes are playing) Now let's think about this for a second. This is an animated movie about toys coming to life when the humans aren't around. But these outtakes tell us they're actually actors pretending to be toys that only come to life when the humans aren't around. OR, behind the scenes, toys are filming this. Nope---it's humans filming living toy actors, all right. I think my existentialism just threw me a left uppercut. #(When the A Bug's life outtake is playing) Pixar accidentally put Antz in Toy Story 2. Z is gonna be pissed when they find out! Total Amount of Sins Movie Sin Tally: 120 (Sin Subtraction: 128 - 8 = 120) Sentence: Alone with Al at his "Toy Barn" Disney Interactive trailer from Toy Story 2 Read Along DVD Ollo in the Sunny Valley Fair trailer :Female Raccoon: We're going to grow the biggeset tomato this valley has ever seen! :Narrator: Ollo gave rose the tomato seed he'd gotten from Farmer Franklin. :Female Raccoon: That's everything we need! OK, Ollo, let's grow ourselves a tomato! Gee, maybe this is a little bit TOO big... :Narrator: The giant tomato began rolling through Sunny Valley, causing all sorts of problems. Moop and Dreadly in The Treasure on Bing-Bong Island trailer :Dreadly: Check this out! I found a treasure map! Let's go! Argh! We've got the weevils! And they're EATING THE SAIL! A new sail? Where are we going to find anything to make a sail out of here in the middle of the confounded ocean? :Narrator: Don't miss the next exciting chapter of The treasure on Bing-Bong Island! :Both: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! 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